Idman: Down for the Risk
⤏ IDMAN ON HEARTBREAK, COMMUNITY AND THE MAKING OF HER DEBUT EP, RISK
⤏ WRITTEN BY GISSELLE PERNETT
⤏ PHOTOGRAPHY BY JON DEL REAL
Idman spent years saying “no” to music. “I think I try to quit all the time,” she says only half joking. We’re sitting on the couch in her Los Angeles apartment and I’m listening to her recount the memories of the record deals she turned down in her early twenties, the eight months she spent dodging calls from her producer after recording her single, “Good Life,” and the time she spent plotting a way she could still have a successful music career without ever having to perform on a stage. Thankfully, Idman has always been surrounded by a community that refuses to let her quit.
“I thought our entire team would have to jump on Zoom and be crisis management [because I] didn’t get on the stage,” she says laughing at the recent memory of her first tour.
For a second, it’s hard to believe this is the same person who just a couple months ago released a project she confidently describes as “taking your Instagram dump, and making it into a scrapbook for everyone to purchase.” But that’s the duality of Idman and her instinctive determination to have her presence and her music serve a purpose. Even if it means having to embrace the uncomfortable.
When Idman first played the opening track “Hate” to her best friend she cried. “She was just like, I feel so thankful that you make music because I would have never gotten to experience you in this way if you didn't,” Idman shares. The day Risk came out, Idman went on a drive and listened to the EP in its entirety. She still remembers the lingering emptiness she felt after listening to the EP in its entirety after its release. For the first time, the tears and screams, and waves of emotions she felt for months after her heartbreak extended beyond her. Now, they belonged to everyone.
Admittedly, heartbreak wasn’t something she thought she would be sharing as an artist, it was her producer — Khris Riddick-Tynes— who showed her she could “hide the medicine in the magic.” From then on it became important for Idman to approach her first project with complete honesty. “[Risk] is the story of our breakup. I laid out all the emails, the text messages, and the voice mails. I wanted the feelings to be palpable for the whole project. Everything I wrote in the project is true and everything is chronological,” she says, recounting the details of her intensive writing sessions.
Idman takes us to the beginning of her healing journey with the EP’s opening track, “Hate.” Taking melodic inspiration from Avril Lavigne and placed to a classic R&B backdrop (similar to TLC’s “Unpretty”) she lets us know healing isn’t linear with the opening lines, “Pick Up / No / I was kind of hopin you don’t / Seven months just way to long / And I’m just not that strong.” The second track requires her to be honest in a way that initially made her feel embarrassed. Despite identifying as a private and prideful person, Idman says sharing at the risk of sounding undignified is what makes music feel worth it. She likes that version of herself better. And “Good Life” is the unapologetic breakup anthem she said was instrumental to her healing process. “There’s so many points in this project that liberated me.”
The making of Idman can be traced back to many. And just within our conversation she’s made it clear there would be no Idman without them. “You have to carry those with you. I’m not the only one losing sleep over this because I’m not the only one pouring into this.” Her love for singing about love can be traced back to her mother, a Somali wedding planner. Spending her childhood a lot of musicians, Idman was witness to rehearsals and jam sessions. Jagged Edge’s “Let’s Get Married” is only one of the many love songs that takes her back to those moments. Her childhood soundscape including Somali icons like Hasan Adan Samatar, Magool and Nakruuma along with American legends Nina Simone, Beyonce, and Billie Holiday are only some of the influential sounds present in her music today. But It would be a couple more years before Idman would make her musical debut. Instead she spent her early adult years answering to the higher call of social justice. Committed to participating in direct action work, Idman was one of the founders of the Portland Racial Justice Congress. “I think I initially thought the only way to be of service to people is direct action,” she said, reminding me of the record deals she turned down. It was her own organizing friends who persistently pushed her to pursue music. The gratitude in Idman’s voice is obvious and you can hear how close she holds those formative moments.
“I laid out all the emails, text messages, and voicemails because I wanted the feelings to be palpable for the whole project.”
Idman tenderly recalls the times her friend —Marena, another organizer with a background in music— would invite her over to their house under the guise of working on an action. “She was always like please just do music. There's purpose there too,” Idman said. When she would arrive at Marena’s house they would have a piano set up and would instead ask her to sing, or write music.
“Shout out to the elders and community folks that have pulled me to the side over the years and [told me] we need everybody for good movement ecology,” she says “Music, and dance are so meaningful for Black lives. We’ve literally been through so much on this earth and joy is those pockets that sustain us and keep us here.”
After losing her student visa and having to return to Canada, Idman applied to Toronto’s Remix project as a songwriter before eventually being moved to Artist Development. Songwriting always felt safer to Idman and she didn’t initially plan on singing any of the songs she wrote. Music would ask Idman to show up and take up space in a way that she wasn’t used to given her organizing background. But her views were changing. Eventually Racquel Villagente, who Idman calls her “big sister mentor” would be the one to push her from songwriter. “[I remember] she was like you’re a good songwriter but I think you’re doing yourself a disservice if you don’t express yourself as yourself,” Idman said. Her single, “Down For It" was the world’s introduction to Idman but more importantly it stands as a promise to herself and everyone that helped her get to that moment.
“It’s such an honor to be queer. Queer people do not have a problem. It's everybody else that we're adjusting to.”
In hindsight, showing up in full honestly and heartbreak wouldn’t be the only risk Idman would be taking with the release of her EP. The fifth track on the album, “Beach” is the reason Idman is openly queer. “We fought over the first line of ‘Beach’ and that’s why I’m out,” Idman shares, now chucking at the memory. Originally the lyrics on the track were supposed to be, “I know you’re somebody’s something” but after a debate in the studio the official lyrics became, “I know you're somebody's girlfriend.” But changing the lyrics meant Idman was on a time limit since she wasn’t out to her friends and family. For a moment Idman debated riding the “straight girl wave” until Risk’s July 14 release before eventually making the decision to use the music video for “Still” to publicly come out the morning of the shoot. “As a team we had a lot of conversations,” she assured me before saying she ultimately made the decision because she felt safe enough to do so. Which is a privilege she acknowledges isn’t afforded to everyone before consciously taking a moment to clarify she isn’t more valid in her queerness for being out.
“I wasn't in the closet because I was ashamed of being queer. I was in the closet because I knew [the world] couldn’t handle it," she says confidently. “It’s such an honor to be queer. Queer people do not have a problem. It's everybody else that we're adjusting to.”
With everything Idman has accomplished just from the release of her debut project, asking her what her end goal from creating music is seems ridiculous. But in true earth sign fashion, she already has a list. “Legacy. Black liberation within art spaces. To be honest and make good music,” she said just to name a few. And she’s already on her way there. During the pandemic Idman and her team were able to secure healthcare and visas from Sony for the rest of her Canadian team that would be traveling along with her to the US. They were the first team to receive a healthcare and visa fund from the major label. The deal she says wouldn’t have been possible without efforts from her team. Taking risks has allowed her to get this far and it’s clear she’s not letting that go anytime soon.
“I don’t know how long I have in this space and I am humble in the face of people’s decisions,” she said, “But I want to make sure I’m not the last person that gets something like this. It has to be bigger and better for everybody after it.”